never satisfied

i wanted him to move here. he wanted me to move there. he had school, i had a job. i agreed to move and get a job there til he finished school.

but i couldn't get a job until we agreed to make a commitment. and we couldn't make the commitment til he was finished school. so we agreed on the commitment, and that i would move there.

but there were strings attached to the commitment 'agreement' so we agreed to get fully committed (haha) in order for me to move there. after which we would try to find him a job here. okay. i could do this.

so much red tape, so many fees (do you know lawyers charge more in an hour than i make in a day? "but they're professionals" people say. so am i. but not as well-paid). anyway, with all the red tape, and all the expense stress, he suggested that maybe, post-commitment, he should just move here, skip the part where i move there. which is great. which is smart. which will make things really a lot easier in the long run.

just when i'd gotten used to the idea of another adventure.

my happy list

artsmonkey, you inspired me (don't you always . . . !)

-the smell of blossoms at dusk
-sunny days
-seagulls in the morning
-a good night's sleep in a big flat bed
-my fiance being all calm and understanding on the phone when i'm flipping out about imaginary crises
-talking to my sister, who always gets it when no one else does
-good standup
-watching the sailboats
-that post-exercise feeling
-feeling fit
-that rotten kid who turns around and says thank-you at the end of the day
-that chronic failing underachiever who passes a test and flaunts it
-the smell of fresh baked cookies
-red wine with my roommate
-travel to tropical countries
-trying new food in the place it was created
-the fish tacones on the way to granville island
-granville island
-english bay
-late afternoon in summer at the spot on the stanley park seawall, just past the lion's gate bridge, when you turn the corner and the whole bay is sparkling and golden a few hours before sunset
-buying fresh local food
-enjoying a beer/glass of wine in the airport during a stopover that was actually scheduled, while journalling pretending to be an important and brilliant writer
-family hugs
-driving the coquihalla in the summer
-a neighbourhood cat that lets me pet it
-a good book
-dancing to cheesy music

uh-oh-uh-ooh . . . .

ahahahahahaha! . . . yessss:

http://www.nkotb.com/

(Don't forget to "channel up" on the remote).

brokebrokebroke

I'm sick of having no money.

Okay, that's not true. In the fall, I had no money. Now I just don't have enough.

Want vs. need. I keep reminding myself that I just need to stick to the needs only for the next while.

But what's a want and what's a need? Is a gently used computer desk a want or a need? I look at my friend who spent a year essentially living in a hallway. Her stuff was always tucked away, and her bed was her workspace. I, on the other hand, have a spacious room with crap that has been in shifting piles on the floor for 4 months, because I have nowhere to put it. I think the desk is a need.

And then there's the bed. If I've slept just fine on the foamee and daybed for 2 1/2 years, a real one is just a want, right? Or, if I'm waking up with those little red marks on my hips from pressing against a hard surface, does that make it a need? I think it's a need.

Wine for a friend's party-- want or need? Well, alcohol is usually a want category, but weekly socialization I'm pretty sure is a need, and showing up to a party empty-handed is pretty lame, so where does that go?

Sushi twice this week is not a need; it's a want. But if it's 6 o'clock at night and I've hardly had sleep the night before and all the dishes are dirty and all that's in my cupboard is Sapporo Ichiban . . . want or need?

Long distance card: I can talk to my boyfriend freen on msn and skype, so being able to carry around the phone is just a bonus. Except that I neeed to clean my room, and I can't do that attached to my computer, and after my usual Saturday phonecalls it's usually dark, so therefore a phonecard is actually an aid to multi-tasking and saving my mental health . . . so . . . want or need?

Winter tires: it hardly snows here, and I'm trying to move to the south next year, so tires are totally not necessary. But my birthday's coming up and I want to celebrate with all my friends in my snowy hometown, and my roommate is on a similar crappy budget to mine, so can't really afford a $300 flight, and hey, I'll need them again sometime, right? and it's been a little frosty here the last week and they are predicting a little snow and if I ever have any more money I might make it up skiing sometime . . . want or need?

I look around at how much I have compared to most people in the world and even many in the city. I try to buy local, pay a little more for hormone free milk and free range eggs, and I know I've got it good. But . . . I really want that desk.

where's the trap-door when you need it?

Yayyy! My sleep-deprived week has finally come to an end! And today was a totally good day. The kids were great (especially after I told them all how wonderful they were compared to the shit-heads in the classes I was subbing yesterday. Or just one class. But big enough shits to feel like I was stuck with them for hours on end. ahhhh. . . anyway, letting it go . . . ). All I had to do at the end of today was go for a quick meeting with another teacher, get my lesson plans more or less outlined for Tuesday, and pack up. The teacher-- or secretary, I wasn't sure which, as correspondence had been through the school email-- was going to help me figure out some stuff related to report cards. I just had to figure out who she was.

You see, after cramming the names of all 120 of my students into my head in the first week, my brain has had hardly any room left for names. This means that after 2 months in the staffroom, I have wonderful chummy repeat conversations now with half a dozen of my colleagues without having a clue what their names are or where they are located in the school. However, I was pretty sure this teacher was not a staffroom regular, as the name wasn't ringing any bells. There's an online list of photos with names that I could have looked up, but it still wouldn't tell me where anyone was in the school. So I decided to zip over to the my neighbour's room, explain my dilemma, and ask for directions.

My neighbour was thrilled to help. Rather than giving directions, she decided to escort me personally and introduce me to this must-know staff member in the office (okay, secretary or counsellor then, not a teacher, which would explain why she was probably busy during lunch). And introduce me she did, with much ado, nosiren-wanted-to-meet-you's, wasn't-sure-who-you-were's, etc, to . . . the vice principal, who greeted me by name every day, and who had interviewed and hired me.

Like I said: Trapdoor? Please???

Youuuuuuuuu

This week didn't get off to a good start. Sunday night I had total insomnia, managed maybe 1 1/2 hours of sleep, and I've been jet-lagged ever since.

Nevertheless, there have been a couple of work highlights, not least of which was one of my very gr. 9's-- polite, easygoing, somewhat quiet-- leading the class in the "soldier boy" dance, and totally rocking out . . . in full hijab.

I love living here.

insomnia

The work day winds down, the clouds have finally opened up to blue sky, and with my whopping one and a half hours of sleep last night, I'm wondering if I can stay awake long enough to make the 35 minute drive home. And my grade 8s . . . my grade 8s . . . are being grade 8s.